September 1 Open Letter

“In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.”

I get a lot of shit for the way I live my life. One of the ways I live my life is that I am still friends with 99% of the people that I have ever dated, loved, liked, had children with. People break up. Sometimes it’s my doing, sometimes theirs. We make space for other people, other experiences and then at a later date, reconvene to create a deeper friendship. That simple act of forgiveness, tolerance, love, understanding, stupidity, whatever you want to call it, has wreaked a lot of havoc in my life but I believe in it as the start to a better solution than hating someone (or two people) for the rest of my life. I rarely have a problem with any of my ex’s, the problem is usually with their current’s.

Girlfriends and wives have called me to get the scoop on their current bf because I am the ex and apparently a sorceress: what I couldn’t fix in my own relationship, I have somehow summoned the powers to fix in theirs; women have called me when their men walk out of the house and have stayed on the phone with me until he walked back in the door to make sure that he wasn’t with me when he left; women have made up stories of me harassing them at work, home, on social media, etc. in an attempt to create a united front against me with their men; women have stalked me; harassed me at work and home; called me on the phone threatening suicide; called threatening to beat me up; and the list goes on. The details of the stories are always so juicy that it’s what everyone wants to focus on: What did she say? What did you say? What did you do? What happened? Did you call the police? Did you fight? Is he still with her? They got married? And so on. You know the drill and the reason why you know the drill is because this has become accepted behavior among women. To be fair, there are a couple of current gf’s and wives who have not had much problem with me at all (once they understood the terms of my relationship with their guy and I understood their terms for me) and have embraced me. For that I am grateful.

Let me take you on my little road to enlightenment. I looked in my man’s phone without his permission ONCE, and guess what I found? Exactly what I expected to find: a picture of a beautiful woman in her bra and panties and stiletto heels standing next to his bed, looking way more seductive and sexy and enchanting than I could ever hope to be. We argued about it and guess what happened? I believe he is married to her now. Could I have predicted that? Changed that? Stopped that from happening? Who knows… but looking in that phone didn’t feel good. I knew there was a problem in my relationship that I was unwillingly to deal with before I looked in the phone and when I saw the woman, I wanted to blame her. Not cool. I didn’t call her or harass her but I allowed that picture of her to change how I felt about me and everything dissolved from there. Here is the kernel of enlightenment that I got from that and many other encounters with mine and my various mates’ infidelities, indiscretions and insecurities: you can’t control anyone but yourself, so do that.

A woman called me at 2:45 this morning, then began a relentless assault of text messages and phone calls that has gone on for about 14 hours now. Apparently she thinks I am someone who is currently fooling around with her guy. I am not that person. I dated him 12 years ago and haven’t seen him since. We talk on the phone about once or twice a year. He lives roughly 1,000 miles away. She believes me to be the “girl from the gym” and apparently she is going to “cash the check that my ass can’t cash.” This is a true story, I couldn’t make this up if I tried. The sad part is, she is not the first.

What I want to say to the Current GF’s and Wives is that I don’t hate you and I really believe in my heart and soul that you don’t have to hate me, either. The ex- bf’s have told me of the current girlfriends who keep tabs on me through social media and my blog. Weird, but OK. If you are interested in me as a person, I would love to meet you, it’s possible that we might even become friends. The fact that your guy has chosen you tells me that there is something good in you. Let me repeat that: he chose YOU. I’m sure I would like you too. He and I are the ones who hurt each other and somehow we’re still friends. You and I don’t even have any negative history to work through.

People will do what they will do. No one is perfect. If your guy messes up with the underwear-clad woman from his phone, you have got some serious choices to make. That woman may or may not know about you and him. But guess who definitely knows about you and him? He does. This is not to say that you need to do what I did and fight with your guy because he willingly broke the terms of your relationship. You have some work to do. Do the work. Talk to him and, if possible, talk to her. This is not crazy-talk. Leave him anyway, if that’s the best course of action, but do the work. I have done the work as both 1). the cheater and 2). the cheatee. Most of us misbehave when we don’t know how else to get our needs met. Me included. Your man included. And guess what, sweetheart? You included too. Misbehaving and anger are the old model for dealing with communication issues. We can change, it is possible, but not easy.

Please stop texting and calling me in anger. I am sending you love. When you are ready to talk, you obviously know how to reach me. Namaste.


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