September 5 Lights, Camera, Action!

“The words you speak become the house you live in.” Hafiz

You know how you sometimes get asked for your strengths and weaknesses on job interviews (and dates) and nobody ever tells the truth? People say stuff like: I’m a total perfectionist and I just won’t quit until the job is done right; I really love to help others and I sometimes take on too much responsibility because I want to be a team player, blah, blah, blah, total BS. Everybody knows that isn’t true. This is the truth: I am bossy but I can tame it enough to appear assertive; I want to do everything my way but I can make it look like I’m persuasive; I’m not really listening to you but I was in school long enough to learn that I have to spit out your keywords to make you think that I am. My strengths are my ability to not allow my weaknesses to ruin the date and/or interview. Period. Ad infinitum.

That’s great for getting in the door but once in, when you realize that you really are a selfish Frankenstein Monster who refuses to bend and work with others in a respectful way, you aren’t going to last very long. Case in point: I am in a (non-romantic) relationship with someone who I don’t treat very well. As a result, I don’t get treated very well. It’s because I am a bully. I am bossy, I want my way and I don’t really listen. One would think that if I know all of the things I’m doing wrong, I could just stop doing exactly that and bingo! It ain’t that easy, ya’ll. I kinda only know one way to be, all of this change-your-self, change-your-life stuff has been pretty surface until now.

I have been working on this relationship for several years and although it has gotten better, it’s just not where we want it or need it to be. Today I decided to take the ridiculously drastic step to video record all of my spoken interactions with this person. This was my wacky idea and he agreed (because I’m a bully). So many times, someone denies that something was said, or they don’t remember or whatever. This way, we have a record. I don’t know if this is going to turn into a crazy-reality-TV-episode of my life or what, but I really am trying to do the work. I’m going to treat my “self” like a test subject, I want to pinpoint the moment when things take that crazy turn into oblivion. I know the problem isn’t all me but all I can work on is me. My hope is that he will see and understand my work and do some of his own, but you just never know and you can’t decide for someone else. We are all on our own path.

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